What in the world is the lasagna period? Well, this is the term that I use to describe the period of time right after a death when people are constantly coming around. They are bringing food (often times it’s lasagna because it is delicious and good reheated), delivering flowers, stopping by or calling to check in to see how you’re doing. Although this time can be overwhelming for some with all the people and attention, it is comforting to know that you have people who care about how you are feeling during this difficult time. I remember the “lasagna period” after my dad died lasting several weeks and into September after he had died in early August. My mom and I didn’t have to make dinner for awhile (thank goodness because let me tell you she was good at a lot of things but cooking…), but I will also tell you it took me years after this to be able to eat lasagna again.
Then, the meal train and people stopping by just ended. After a few weeks, our friends went back to their daily lives and we seemed to be forgotten. We went back to our simple meals at home with just us or my mom and I with my Grammy. Yes, my friends would still come and go from the house as usual, but everyone had suddenly stopped talking about my dad and stopped asking how I was doing with my grief. Did they just forget? Did they no longer care? These were questions I and others who are grieving have asked when the “lasagna period” ends.
In reality, we cannot expect people to continue to bring us meals months on end, but what I was most upset about is it seemed like my dad’s existence had never happened. People stopped saying his name. Many of our friends stopped asking how we were in our grief. They were wonderful about asking if my mom needed help with rides after school and to activities, and we were grateful for that. But I was hurt that they all of a sudden just didn’t care that my dad was dead.
Looking back, I’m sure that they certainly did care that our lives had been uprooted and they honestly missed him too. They probably did not want to bring him up because they did not want to upset me or sometimes I’m sure they did not know what to say. Sometimes we don’t always have to have the perfect words for our friends who are grieving. Sometimes they just need to know that you are thinking about them. It is ok to say their person’s name or share your favorite funny story about their person. If they cry, those are tears that needed to come out. If they laugh, that’s a laugh that needed to be shared with you, their friend. They just need their friends after the lasagna period.